So.
This is what it takes to get me out of semi retirement. Or at least a holding pattern until I can be sure my children stop eating fibreglass and setting off fire extinguishers in closets (true story. At least the fire extinguisher part).

Apparently my Goblin Shark has been making the rounds on various sites like i09, reddit, I ****ing love science, etc. 99% of the time uncredited. At first it was pretty entertaining watching people duke it out over whether it was a real fish or not (there's that pedantic sammich holding fist-fight I've always wanted to see. Well not so much pedantic, it is the internet after all...), and I liked the simple fact that people were learning just that much more about our oceans. It's also very flattering and shocking to find out that something I made (me!!) has grown up and taken on a life of its own. I am amazed and flabbergasted. But as of yesterday I do have to admit I started to get annoyed.

It's not so much the fact that I'm not being credited here, it's the fact that there is misinformation being spread, which I kind of hate. For example, someone who has never seen a picture of a real Goblin Shark, may believe the meme stating my handsome fellow is dead. No. He is not dead. He is also not a baby, super old, dessicated, taxidermied, photoshopped, faked, your mother in law/ex wife/former girlfriend, etc. He is, as some astute folks have figured out, paper mache. I made him in my art room with a lot of newspapers, cloth, blood, sweat, tears and gin. And unless the Blue Fairy sneaks in at night to bring him to life, he never has been, and never will be 'real'.
He is a piece of art that I made. I did image searches, I made sketches, I planned him out and then made him. With my hands. And not on a computer. And I am not a vicious beast intent on destroying little-known species in my quest to destroy the Earth (I always knew I had it in me!). Nor am I a photoshop priestess/photoshop nube, jerk intent on fooling people into thinking this is real, murderer, Conservative jack-ass, etc, etc. I am an artist. I make interpretations of things I love. Or at least I do when I'm not reading stories, wiping bums, in Zumba classes, or drinking heavily. Art and scotch don't mix. I can't afford to lose that much blood.

So really, if I was credited with having made Mssr Shark de Goblin, it would clear up a LOT of erroneous statements being made about me and Goblin Sharks in general. Plus, it's polite.

For my friends who are fighting a losing battle trying to get me some credit, and for those who figured out he's a paper mache sculpture I give you this- a picture of me in an apron, on the trampoline with a sprinkler, holding a dessicated baby goblin shark that has been completely photoshopped.

Suck it, Photoshop!

The fabulous Gregangelo and Velocity Circus

“Courtesy of Gregangelo and Velocity Circus, www.gregangelo.com/ photo by www.francescabalaguer.com”

Okay, it's been so long since I posted that I actually forgot how to do it. Which is probably a good thing for the world at large, but HA! Eat it World! I figured it out. At least for the evening. I promise I'll be naked/drunk/purple/fast/lawn clippings.

But what inspired me to make you three suffer is the world's most creative, sweetest, and general awesome-guy, Gregangelo Herrera. While still living in San Fran, he commissioned me to create a deliciously malicious addition for his Pink Room, so between the two of us we came up with a creepy cake that looks satisfactorily caloric on the outside, but remove a piece and you'll find the best diet-aid this side of a trauma unit.

And here is a fabulous piece on Gregangelo's amazing house that you can actually go see in SF. Well worth it! A cool article... and one that just happens to mention a certain Sammy Hagar Haired crazy artist's cakes....

http://thebolditalic.com/SaraFaithAlterman/stories/503-master-of-the-universe

PS Vampire Squid rock. All hail the mighty Vampire Squid!

Yeah, yeah

It's been forever. But that's what happens when you spawn. You think Salmon or maybe Sardines keep up with their blogs during all that mess? I don't think so. Only the ones who are worried what the other fishmoms think do. Well, frankly those other fish can stick it.
Stick it. Get it?

Anyway, in the last year Commander Bad Movie Guy and I spawned Morgan. The World's Largest Man-Baby. And then we moved to Texas. Because it's cheaper here and with the way that Kracken eats, we'd be destitute if still in Vancouver. Actually no, it was for Steve's work. After months of insanity on 'District 9', we needed a change. So.... we moved to Dallas. Yes... quite a change.
We've been watching the Gulf saga and getting more and more depressed at the devastation. We're learning lots about BBQ, fried pies, and fried pickles. And hoping our hearts don't claw their ways out of our bodies. We've learned that Texas has AWESOME bugs and incredible storms. I'm all over the bugs though, they are so cool. I've been hunting for tarantulas, but haven't found any yet. I've seen some pretty amazing Cicada Killers though. Yowza.

Oh and I'm going to be part of an Art and Coffee dealy in August with my fishies. I'll be making something (have no idea what yet) at The Daily Grind in Dallas in Deep Elum. Sometime in the first week? Maybe? I suppose I should find out. If you're going to be around maybe you should find out too. And then tell me.

And no pics today- both computers crashed at the same time and I have no idea if any of my pics were saved on the external hard drive. Being as I haven't checked. Because most of my day is spent feeding Mega Grub and his sister, Flamespout, and keeping him from drowning himself in the toilet.

The Mighty Squid Hat did come out and eat Morgan's head at one point. I have pics somewhere around here....

I made it to You Tube and didn't even have to take my shirt off.

"Cuz fishermen do that"

Oh dear. Here it is- the link to me making a puffer fish.
The sound is a few frames off for some reason, but that's okay because I apparently speak like William Shatner and have a tendency to crush words together so you can't understand them anyway.
The editors were very kind to me and removed some of the things I was the most worried about, but I still managed to look like a 14 year old eyebrowless monkey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVlaJTIx5XA

As Spock said, "The pain, the PAIN!"

What to do, what to do

I suppose I should post something, it's been a while after all.

I'll post a pic of a Pacific Giant Octopus I did a while ago. Octopuses (yeah, yeah. I know. "Duh, it's 'octopi', you strange fish-making woman with Sammy Hagar hair.")...

Well, Smarty-Pants, according to Fowler’s Modern English Usage, “the only acceptable plural in English is octopuses...". It says something about the origin of the word being Greek, rather than Latin so the classic plural would be 'octopodes' and more commonly, 'octopuses'.
Whatever. I don't care, octopuses are awesome for many more reasons than just starting pedantic white lab-coated discourses (and hopefully fist-fights while clutching half eaten cheese sammiches) between bespectacled scholars over the correct plural form during the lunch break. None of which I'm going into right now because I'm grumpy and don't want to be on the wretched computer at the moment.

Oh, and here's a Nudibranch. Because they crack me up.

Okay, it's not my fault.

I'm just putting that out there.

They made me do it. I really don't smile half as much as that or CHECK MY HAIR before making large ugly fish. Nor do I do crazy camera angles, quite as many bad puns, or have that much junk in the trunk. I was the new mother of a 2 month old when they filmed it. I had to take breaks every once in a while to go feed Maddie as it took about 8 hours to shoot that 5 minutes on screen.
Oh yeah, and here's the big one- I'm really not that much of an idiot! I know, hard to believe. That's the part that scares me the most, and sends me fully clothed, huddled in the fetal position into the shower. I'm terrified I'm going to come across like the World's Largest Idiot- which I am, I'd just prefer less people knew that. And being as I have 2 fans that read this, I'm assuming they don't care, anyway.

What the heck am I talking about?

I'm talking about the filming of my spot on HGTV's "That's Clever". To be shown.... February 5, 2009 at 8:00 am e/p. No publicity is bad publicity.... I hope? Maybe?


Shot almost 2.5 years ago in the dining room of our place in San Fran, it will now be... gracing... a television set near you. That is, if you live in the US. It's 5 minutes of me acting like a complete twit making a puffer fish. So if either of my fans were interested- this is theoretically how I do it. Now you can do it yourself- if you have the will to take the 8 hours involved to do so.
I'd say 'enjoy', but I fear you may just want to hurl things at me and your television in order to make the pain stop. And yes, my voice is that nasal. I'm a catch! I don't know how Steve does it.

Oh, and for those of you in Socialist Canada who don't get the program, I'll see what I can do about maybe getting a friend in the Non-Socialist US to scam me a copy. Because I won't have seen it either.

Headlines-

-Octopus ravages local optometrist office.

-Eight tentacles of terror run amok on city unprepared for 'Act of God'. Unless that god happens to be Cthulhu.

-Titans of Pain invade Yaletown. Small dogs in sweaters and dog-carriages disappear. Supposedly eaten.

-Woman puts 'jelly' back in jellyfish.

Okay, I'm done.